anxiety, adrenaline, the rush in your veins
feel it run in your blood, thrust itself through every heartbeat and gorge itself from within.

I dont understand most married men and their need to flirt with me...this reminds me of margaret cho's: beautiful!

Jesus and the Fountain of Youth...

Where do I even begin??

What part of I'm not interested in conversing don't certain individuals understand?

Do I have a sign on me that reads, "Talk to me if you have something stupid to say"?
I mean really people. Needless to say, instinctively by nature I'm nice, so I just go with the flow, that is, until I get really uncomfortable in the situation. I mean uncomfortable to the point where I become an asshole. By which I mean, I don't give in to bullshit, stupidities or unoriginal dumb-dumbs. I choose to not allow myself to be in those 'sticky-itchy' situations (avoiding them). If a person I don't fancy too much approaches me with the desire to give me a welcoming embrace (hug) and I choose not to, I won't. Why? Why not?! If I'm clearly not feeling the person, why should I 'put on a face' for the sake of looking good? I'd rather it looks like it looks, than to endure a second of being in contact with negative or dirty energy. By defending my personal space, I channel less energy about that individual.
Travel back in time to 1994, I was in the fifth grade. The class was putting on the 5th grade show. Well this girl Lauren, (I will spare her last name for the sake of respect) from elementary school through middle school she was pretty fucked up, considering how mean she could be...demeanor and all... Let me just tell you, in the sixth grade, this girl pushed me in front of a bus. and yelled to the bus driver, "Run him over!!" Clearly everything was fine, it's just the principle!!!
So here's the story...
Towards the end of the year (5th grade), things were going a bit sour with Lauren and me. The 'Broadway Review' (our show) was a day or two away and we were growing apart, we weren't very fond of each other. .. [Now let me tell you, it sounds like we're best friends but we never were. Lauren was the tall, pretty, mischievous girl that fit in with all the kids. If she wanted to bully you, she could and would.]
It's the night of our show, and I really wanted to be friends with her at this point, but she's still too mean. whatever. We fight, she pushes me, I kick her in the shins, and then the lights flash and we have to go to our places - behind the curtain this all happened. She told me she was going to crush my hand during the curtain call. I believe her words were along the lines of, " I will crush your hand..." that sounds traumatizing to a fifth grader. fucking cunt! So we do our scenes, songs and dances, then we need to do our bow.
If you know about putting on shows in school, the bow is one of the most important parts of the end of the show. So Lauren and I are supposed to join both sides by holding hands or something.
Can you believe in front of a crowded auditorium I would not grab her hand. I tried to avoid grabbing her hand, and moved away inch by inch...it looked really bad. I looked racist. People said I wouldn't hold her hand because she was black. I mean really?! Don't even play that card when your ten years old! I saw the video and it looked worse than how I felt. None of the teachers cared about what my reason was. Can you believe it? Nonetheless, she ended up smacking me after the curtain closed. I tell you complete bullshit!! At that age I was able to know the difference between energy and mean people.

Fast forward to now..2009.
Welcome back.
You see where I'm coming from? People may have thought I was racist, but they never knew the truth. This isn't about race, it's about principle.

Well this morning a man or pastor comes into my store. I ring him up, check the store, and take my ten minute break. He comes up to me and asks me, "Have we spoken before??" to which I reply, "I don't know, have we?" LOL !ROTF!! I mean really?! Was this a pick-up line, cause he's a little too mature for my taste. I mean eew! OK So I play it coy..his next words were, "Have you taken Jesus into your heart?" I'm like really?! "Um no. no thank you sir" suffice it to say, I told him I could be rude, but I wanted to be nice to him..jeez is it because maybe he's a patron?
Talk about proselytism!!! I mentioned I'm Jewish, he didn't care. I told him I grew up orthodox and he didn't care. I told him I'm into Jewish Mysticism and he still didn't care! I mean can't a guy take a hint?! I was really happy I finished my cigarette, because that meant I could politely walk away and pseudo-end my break. I don't think I ever met a man so pro-Jesus, that felt he had to make everyone around him follow his beliefs. He even bragged about how he turned one of his Jewish friends into a Jews for Jesus...I mean really? I get it. I get why people approach others in such a manner, and the reasons behind it, but really? I said no to Jesus the first five times he asked..why did he insist on badgering?
Jesus!

And then two days ago, in the morning, a guy comes in and orders a mocha. . .
He seemed kinda quiet, so I thought I'd make conversation. I liked his hat, so I commented on how cool it was. then there was a pause. and without missing a beat, he leans in and says, "You know my dick is the fountain of youth"...I tried to say something back but I just kept stuttering and blushing...I had to go to the back room and talk to my boss. I mean Who says that?!?!? What should I have said?
something like, "Well if you are, how come you look so old..." but that's mean..or should I have said, "Well do you drink from tap?" ..I know gross...What can I say, if it's not one extreme it's another. Hey, I wasn't the one talking about the walking fountain of youth that hides in my pants OK! I'm just saying...
Aah! Don't you just love people??

So have you taken Jesus into your heart? if not, my dick is the fountain of youth!
Yeah..that fucker's on MY list!!!......asshole!

The Ambiguous Crush

I have an ambiguous crush, that's it. Plain and simple.
Ambiguous crush. I just like the way it sounds.

Exotic, quixotic, and slightly hypnotic, in the way we connect, yet hesitate to connect with one another on the level which we supposedly choose to avoid, yet not devoid from the truths we have inside.

It's that reminiscence of high school childhood, and the times of the innocent crush. And the I-can't-wait-to-see-you-feeling, with the butterflies. except for the time being it's all pretty much one sided.

I can tell you we are in a very very serious relationship right now, he just doesn't know yet, and that's ok with me, I don't mind building the foundation of our beloved relationship. Ha! Oh reality, don't you love the reality of it all.

I can't stare too long, because then he'll know.
He'll know what I don't want him to know that I know he might know...feel me?
I'm not letting him think anything about my sexuality without him having to find a reason to bring it up. Maybe some people just don;t identify with labels. I mean, labels are for cans and closets are for clothes. Own your shit or go home. The lines get blurred and we become complacent where we stand. For the time being, I can't put any lines out which may get blurred.
Have to ride it out...
After all, it's my ambiguous crush..

I mean really?!

Why is it that most police officers you see on TV tend to always be really hot and really nice, like they have time for you, because you know, they are their for the civilians of the township, right? Well apparently this only works on TV, because I couldn't get a word in edge wise, with these real life cops. Well I'm exaggerating a little bit, but mostly, the energy was intimidating until towards the end.

See, I have these asshole neighbors that love to make noise at odd hours of the day and night. By which I mean, loud TV or really loud odors of ethnic food, which if you ask me, I don't want to know.

Remember the fuckers that were cooking onions at eleven o' clock at night? Yeah, that's them. Point being, we had a little noise battle out today. My mom went downstairs at like 10:30 am to tell them to lower their noise, and proceeded to insult their choice of cuisine. I'm just saying. She came back upstairs and mentioned she told the downstairs neighbor, that it smells like they are cooking dog. I busted up laughing. I mean, how can anyone say that to anyone? My mom, then continued on the banter and said she would call the cops because their noise is so fucking loud! I mean really?! Is the loud volume really that necessary?! No need to answer the rhetoric of stupidity within the human population, which I pose as a question, it's more of a look than an answer. :: Insert look here ::

Two and a half hours later (from the time we placed the complaint), the police show up. They are nice, but somewhat authoritatively aggravatingly pompously arrogant. I guess that's because they really can't do anything about anything really. So why the fuck are they there in the first place, to tell me to write a letter the the homeowners association?! Whatever happened to the days when police officers used to be the officers that go out of their way and jurisdiction just to make a citizen of the city, town or what-have-you, feel safe and protected. I guess the bold answered the question...used to.

So I told the officers (not ones I would hit on mind you), the chain of events that led up to their arrival and one actually scoffed back. Apparently the people downstairs were so upset by my mom claiming she'd call the cops on them, they decided to call the cops instead. An hour or so later the asshole started banging on my door, and yelling obscenities. Imagine a belligerent drunk banging on the door. . . :: Deep breaths:: Seriously, this asshole gave me a panic attack, I mean why try to knock my door down with your unappreciated loud and rude knocking? I mean hello?!?! What are you the big bad wolf?!

Asshole.

The next day around One o' clock, the man proceeded to continue the war over noise and smelly food, and once again huffed and puffed, and I still didn't answer.
Seriously though, the only way to really evade these situations is to live in a house that is owned, and not a fucking apartment complex with crazy residents. Whatever, I'll make it one day, and never have to deal with this shit again!
So what can I do? I blog and then...

I get over it.


That asshole is definitely on the list!

The List...

So I have taken it upon myself to come up with 'The List'.
This list is dedicated to all those out there who piss us off in everyday life.
you know when you are having a beautiful day, the sun is shining, your dry cleaning is ready on time, there's no line at the bank, your friend invites you to coffee, down to the mysterious five dollar bill you find in your jeans that same day. But then it strikes, you could be in traffic, or in line and there you have the motherfucking asshole piece of shit hijo de la fregada chingada desgraciada, (I'm multi-lingual, so I tend to be profane in spanglish..ha) you know, I mean I get pissed, and I'm sure you get pissed.
I am all about human-kind and communication and the rhetoric of human behavior, I got my BA in Speech Communications, so believe me I know people and their communication habits and quirks, but dammit!? Seriously people, do you have to be so aggravating, causing people like me to go volatile! I mean, really. So this list all started with my vulgar mouth. forgive me..

Let me interject how pissed off I am right now (and I'm not a pissed off type-kinda-guy,)..whoever thought it was smart to cook onions at eleven o' clock at night is fucking off their fucking rocker!! The complex which my Mom and I live in, has some crazy people that cook crazy food!! I swear sometimes I wonder if they are cooking their animals! WHAT??!?! It reeks! I swear these people..I can't even finish this sentence. I just need to be rich and get us a house! Fuck living in a fucking complex! They can suck it!!! <- see, I did it! That's the example I'm trying to show, which is how pissed off people get us! Yes, the voice of reason, Eleanor Roosevelt says, "No one can make you feel..without your permission.." , but that doesn't come into play here. My throat fucking hurts from this fucking onion! I mean really?! at 11pm?!

back to the story:

So I'm driving and this bitch cuts me off...my gut reaction, I speak aloud (lol, cause you can't not speak out loud right?!) and say, "You Bitch!" Eventually as the moments progress, the stupidities escalate the moment stupid people become stupider than you'd even imagine. Yes, stupider is a word. I just made it one.
From "You Bitch!, Suck my dick!" to "Asshole!" or "Cunt!" pick one, it's tons of fun!... I told you vulgar! Hey I warned you.
So I'm sure you all at one point have that road rage, or grocery-store tantrum moments..but really think about it..they all add up!!

I went on this mission to cut back on my harsh language, so instead of yelling profanities at these yahoos, I created a line... as in stand in the..
Imagine a crimson velvet rope. This rope is the kind you have at a bank or concert line. They have to stand in line to suck it. fucking mother fuckers! If I'm really pissed at the person, they get moved to the back of the metaphorical line.
Just imagine all these people which you choose to yell profanities at, or those schmucks you want to yell, ""Lick It!" to...
Now just put 'em all in line!

Eventually, telling so many assholes to stand in line, just didn't cut it. You know the line would get way too long.
So I devised a list.
No not a real one, just a metaphorical list if you will..
So, you know, instead of telling stupid drivers that need their license revoked to suck it, just tell 'em, "You're on the fucking list bitch!!" or you can be kinder about it...

Remember that fucking neighbor that cooks onion...Yeah, she's on the list!

Hormones...

So here I am in the Valley, Southern California, and you know, I never understood the whole game thing. I mean there's a point to it, wanting what you can't have, then having it and having the option of realizing if you truly want it or not.

But really?! If the energy between two people is completely cohesive, then why not go with it? Our instinct tells us to ignore our hearts and lead with hormones, ergo the game of cat and mouse.

I went on-line in search of love. Crazy right?! I mean go on any gay dating site and all you have in your face is a bunch of attractive sexually appetizing models ready to feed you eight inches of raw meat? I mean really?! I get it, we are all horny, but jeez. . . which brings me to my on-line dating reference. I posted an ad, and decided not to post a picture, to save face, if you will. I would rather meet someone who isn't interested in my looks and more interested in what I have to offer right?! This is LA, and people tend to be somewhat plastic, not all, just generalizing. In real life, one needs another to have substance. .Well, after viewing countless personal ads, I find two that seem promising. I'm looking for someone who wants sex all the time right?! but not on the first date. Everyone here just wants me to jump in their car for a quickie, so to speak. All that leads to sex-games, heartache and frustration. I don't need that.

After a few e-mails, I decide to take it to the next level: Instant Messaging.

OK this is the part that drives me crazy!!

Why do people make themselves out to be approachable on-line, but take five minutes to get a sentence out?? Only when they are more anxious than me, do they seem more talkative via keyboard, than the other way around. I mean WTF?? Talk about a convoluted crisis...

You either want to chat or not. Then stupid me decides to wait and wait and see if he'll be on-line, only to find him on-line but unreachable or non responsive to conversation. Is this the truth behind real Internet dating?? Probably not, I should just try meeting people out there in the real world. Here's the kicker, this guy goes to the same educational institution (college) (it just sounded better in my head) as I, is studying the same field as I, yet we never met. What would the chances be that I managed to find this person on-line? Serendipity or coincidence?? Probably hormones. . .

After doing some foot work, I find out he is in the classroom next to mine.

He looked older in real life, than that of his posted picture; the sound of his voice wasn't attractive, and let me just say this guys: men or guys (who pass off as men), better have a SEXY, MASCULINE tone and demeanor, (I don't judge, to each their own, but if I wanted to date a girl, I would, I don't do that queenie shit...)

needless to say, we eventually made the 'eye contact' exchange in passing (slyly planned by me) and I played it off as if I didn't know he existed. What makes it even juicier of a coincidence, this guy (I don't even remember his name) became all Buddy buddy with my closeted-ex-boyfriend's mom, who was in my class (ex's mom)... and she's his adoptive mom, who adopts someone at 23? (That ex is a whole other story) Maybe she knows about her 'son' and is trying to set him up...I know right?!

And all this from placing a stupid ad on this site Adam4Adam, which I think is a waste.

Throughout my experiences, most guys tend to run away. The only time I walked away was when I felt neglected in the relationship and knew there wasn't room for growth. Bleak I know, but it is what it is.

I find myself sexually frustrated from day to day, longing for that sexual gratification from the ideal partner right? Yet I don't seek it for the sake of sexual romantic sustenance. It's the fact that I'm still living at home in a one bedroom apartment doesn't facilitate my cause.

All in time, and I just need to get out.

Let's face it Internet dating isn't for people on a time crunch, or people lacking social skills. Internet dating is for booty-calls and hook-ups, not true love.

I don't knock it because I despise, I knock it because I've been there, done that, and moved on. It's time for the real thing.

Guess it's time to get off the instant messenger, and get on with the living.

Here's my motto folks,

"I don't solicit myself, just meet me when you can."

Let's see what tomorrow has to say...